I'm so bored.

Chris is at his new job, for which I am grateful. He really likes it so far, and the pay is good. But, I hate having him gone every night. I try to be productive and find little things to do to make myself feel important, but the truth is I'm pretty useless these days. There's a lot I can do around the house, but mostly the things that need to be done fall into Chris's hands. I need to learn to be more handy.

The baby is good. I'm 99% sure we're naming her Charlotte, but technically she still has no name. She moves A LOT. So much so that I can SEE my stomach moving when she kicks and rolls around. It's...well, it's creepy. Exciting, but creepy. So, that's been the highlight of my week.

It's sad that I'm not more interesting, that I spend most of my time fixing up the house and staring at my stomach. Then again, the really sad part is that I am actually perfectly content to do so. I love seeing friends and going to movies, but I don't have the energy or motivation for much else. I do miss going out for drinks, going dancing, and numerous other pre-pregnancy activities, and I hope to be able to do those things once in a while someday. But, I spend most of my time thinking obsessively about my daughter. If my thoughts aren't on the pregnancy and keeping her healthy till she's born, they're on the delivery and my anxieties about having a newborn. But more recently I've been thinking a lot about what she'll be like when she's a bit older, what she'll be interested in, what she'll look like. I wonder if she'll want to take dance classes and play with dolls. I wonder if she'll let me curl her hair. I wonder when I'll have to talk to her about sex and how I'll discipline her. Right now I have this little alien in my tummy, seemingly trying to kick her way out, and it seems like the biggest thing in the world. But, what's really weird is that she has a whole lifetime ahead of her. It's so much bigger than onesies and strollers; she's a PERSON, with friends and experiences I can't even imagine yet. It's such an exciting and yet, daunting, thought.

As much as I love thinking about her, and as much s I am looking forward to having a new identity as Mommy, I certainly don't want to lose my identity as Megan, and I miss thinking about whatever it was I thought about before this pregnancy. I am trying every day to recapture my old self and hope that I'll be able to hold on to it when my life is suddenly changed by this new person's entrance into it.

And now I'm off to eat my second piece of pumpkin pie today. I swear, it's all Baby's fault. She will probably love sweets like her dad, because I never wanted sugar this badly before she moved in and took over in there.

I have a big paper coming up. I am way behind on my research for it and have a ton of reading to do. Chris is working tonight, so it's the perfect time. So, naturally I decided to update my journal instead.

My grandpa has been in the hospital for three weeks now. He's had four surgeries; the first was because he had a perforated colon, and the subsequent surgeries were because his incision kept opening. I won't go into all the details because I'm tired of talking about the particulars of his condition, but let's just say it's been a rough three weeks. There were times when it looked like he was getting better and would be coming home shortly, but they were invariably followed by a change for the worse. It got to the point where we were sure we had lost him. My sister and I were very disheartened by how quickly my mom and my grandma assumed the worst. My mom kept saying things about not wanting him to live on a respirator for the rest of his life and that the man in the hospital bed just wasn't her father. My grandma started making funeral arrangements (Understandable, considering these should be made for both of them already at this point in their lives), and it seemed like they were more concerned with his death than with overseeing his care and trying to help him get better. I had a talk with both of them and told them they needed to focus on helping him and that they were reacting too quickly. He needs time to heal, and we were told by the doctors and nurses to have patience. I understand it is a defense mechanism; it's better to prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised than to have optimism and then lose him. I also understand the concern with having the man you have always known as being strong, coming home frail and needing so much care. But, my sister and I felt differently. Luckily, we got some good news today. He is being taken off the sedation and is breathing on his own. The infection is still a huge concern, but it is entirely possible that he will get better.

So, that's been taking up a lot of my time and energy. We've been spending a lot of time with my family, which has been nice, even if the circumstances weren't ideal. And, in the midst of all this, I am still maintaining a perfectly healthy pregnancy. I'm at the halfway mark now, which amazes me constantly. I still worry about making it to the end, but it gets easier to relax every day. Each milestone is so exciting. I can't say that being pregnant is the most fun I've ever had, but I definitely appreciate every moment. I was thrilled to need and purchase maternity clothes. I'm enjoying having a cute, manageable bump at the moment, but am also looking forward to having the big cumbersome one. Feeling the baby kick for the first time was exciting and yet, creepy. It took me a couple weeks to get used to the sensation, and now the kicks are getting stronger. Chris was actually able to feel three or four movements while holding onto my belly in bed this morning. He kept asking if she'd moved so he would know if that was what he was feeling. The best day was when we saw our baby on the ultrasound, were reassured that she is healthy and growing, and found out she is a girl. Time is going by slowly, but I have so much to look forward to. There are more milestones to come, baby showers to enjoy, and (after childbirth, which I try not to think about) the moment when we meet our daughter. It's all very thrilling and terrifying, and I feel lucky to have the experience.

We're working on the less than thrilling task of getting the house in better shape. We've done lots of thrift store donating, organizing, moving of things from one room to the next, and cleaning. And there is still so much left to do before we can even think about getting the nursery started. Granted, we have plenty of time, but I hate the feeling of having so much to do.

I'm glad the election is over. I came out of my shell a bit this election season and was more willing to discuss my beliefs with the people who engaged me in political discussions. It's still not something I enjoy, but I am getting more confident in my opinions and don't hesitate to discuss them when the opportunity arises. I have mixed feeling about our new President Elect, but I am excited to see what kind of change will come to this country and am proud that we have come as far as we have by electing an African American president. I am bitterly disappointed by the passing of Prop 8. This was one issue I have been very outspoken about to amongst my friends, family, and acquaintances. I've gotten into a few arguments and had to leave the room during a discussion at Chris's family's house because I got too angry. It's an issue I've cared about my whole life due to my wonderful parents and the way I was raised. There's so much common sense and decency on the side we're lobbying for and so much hatred and stupidity on the other side, and yet, so many people don't see it that way. I am sad for my state, my country, and also the close friends I have who are personally affected by this outcome. I hope we can beat this thing.

Well, I've wasted quite enough time, I suppose. Time to kick the dogs out and watch Ugly Betty! Ooooh, and I have chocolate cake!

So. Bored.

I was just reading some old entries of mine for no ther reason than to delay homework. It was weird. I sounded different, somehow. In a way I miss the simplicity of those days. I was really stressed about getting the house. And really, that WAS stressful. But I was also really excited about it. I couldn't wait to have our own space again after living with my mom for a year. I was happy to be able to do laundry in my own house. I had visions of lawns and barbecues. Cut to two years later: no lawn, no barbecue, a lot of dust, and a jacked up roof. I miss being excited about the house. Now it is just a place we sleep. We can't afford to make the changes we need to in order for it to be a pleasant place to live. Chris is exhausted from his commute. It doesn't exactly hold the same magic I thought it would.

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful to have it. And now that Chris finally got an assistant editor job, and is making great money, we might be able to fix it up enough to sell it in the forseeable future.

I guess what I really miss is life before infertility started kicking my ass. I sounded happier back then. It even seemed to me today as I was reading those entries that I was more articulate, more lively. Back then I knew I wanted a baby, but assumed I would get one when we were ready to have one. I didn't realize how wonderful it was to not be trying to get pregnant. I didn't have to feel bitter every time I saw a pregnant woman. I didn't live in fear of the next person I knew announcing her pregnancy. I didn't feel desperately sad anytime I pictured being a mother because I knew it was possible I never would.

I don't mean to be dramatic about all this. But, we've been trying for two years. I've taken countless doses of feritlity drugs, planned sex dozens of times, had inseminations, and finally in vitro. In vitro! I NEVER thought I would have to do that. Not at 25. The silver lining? It worked. I know I can get pregnant. But, why couldn't I stay pregnant? Will it happen again? Will I be given another chance at pregnancy? I feel like we've been knocked back to the beginning.

I hope to get past all this. I hope to be happy and light-hearted again. I've been beaten up by this a bit, and I'm a little bruised. But, it will all be worth it in the end.

So, a while ago I saw a trailer for a horrible movie called "Balls of Fury". I don't even remember what it's about; something retatrded, though. Anyway, I was pretty sure that the guy who played William Barfee in Spelling Bee was in it, and I checked today. Turns out I was right. I knew he left the show, but to do this? Disappointing.

As I was driving out to Lake LA to bring my mom her blood pressure medication, I approached a sharp curve in the road, which I did not see until the last second and I drove straight off the road. Luckily, the car stopped after going over a few bumps and everything is fine. It scared the hell out of me, though.

ETA: My mom drove by there today and noticed that the road sign which enlightens drivers about the road's sharp curve, was lying on the ground, which is probably why I didn't see it. LOL. I called the city today to tlell them to fix it before someone dies. Only nicer.

I just read that last entry and felt I should mention that my incessant use of the word, "cool", and my horrible misuse of commas is entirely due to the fact that it is 3AM and I am still awake after a long day of being punched in the stomach by waves.

An update is long, long, overdue; and will be delivered shortly. I'm tired now. And yet I feel like I have so much to say. I guess that's how it goes. When I'm alert and have free time, I will feel like I have nothing to say. Oh, well...

I have officially memorized every word in Prufrock. I am so fucking cool.

I am druuuuuunk. And having so much fun. More later.